Deeper Into the Wilderness

Deeper Into the Wilderness

It’s 1:26 AM and I can’t fall asleep.

I’ve tried meditating. I’ve tried eating a little food. I tried just laying there with my eyes closed. Nope, nada. My brain and body are tired and ready to sleep — but my heart’s nagging me about something. Something I can’t quite consciously grasp. It’s there, just beneath the surface, currently out of reach. But I can feel it. And it’s important. My heart is trying to tell me something.

So, since I wasn’t sleeping anyway, I thought I’d blog about it.


Quick Update

After my last post (“I Need Rest“), a lot’s been happening.

  • I’ve learned just how powerful, important, and essential rest and play is, for long-term sustainable success and work activity. Especially if your career is in any kind of creative field, but I’d wager it applies to everybody, regardless of your industry or type of work.
  • I’ve been meditating — a lot. Every day. An hour plus. Some days, it’s kinda just “meh” maintenance-type meditation; it keeps me balanced and centered, but not much else. Other days… whoa. Huge insights and realizations. I’ll talk about maybe one or two below.
  • I’m feeling better and better over time. Mostly because I’m getting my life back in balance. I’m intentionally, consciously, purposely making time to rest and play. I’m getting deeply self-connected through meditation. I’m letting go of things that didn’t need to be carried anymore. I’m also opening up to new possibilities.

Many friends reached out to me too, after reading that last blog post. Thank you, to each of you. Some people found that post inspiring, as I processed through my stuff. Others just wanted to make sure I was okay. Because I work from home alone, sometimes I can start to feel a little isolated and alone. So I wanted to take a second and acknowledge that people are connected, do care, and I’m loved. This is more a note for myself than anyone else. But to anyone who commented, emailed, and/or called because of that post — thank you for staying connected with me. I really appreciate you.

Connection is What It’s About

One of my HUGE “ah-hah” moments came during one of my meditation sessions, during this re-balancing time.

I’ll cut right to the chase: I realized that one of my primary motivators for wanting to be an actor or film director is because, unconsciously, I was actually seeking connection.

Let me explain.

Yes, it’s true that ever since I was a little kid, it was my dream to “make movies” (whatever, exactly, that meant — acting, writing, directing, producing, crew, editing, something else…). And just to be clear up front: I really do love acting and directing. But both are a form of storytelling, which is my actual passion and gift. Acting and directing are a form and expression of storytelling. As is writing, editing, and many of the other things I do.

I started out as a book author. I loved writing fiction. It’s one of the fastest, cheapest, and easiest ways for me to tell a story. I don’t need to go on any auditions. I don’t need to hire a crew. I don’t need anyone else’s time or permission. I just need a computer, Microsoft Word (or any other writing software), and some distraction-free time alone.

I’ve been writing for so long, I’ve built up quite a bit of speed. I’ve been known to write 20,000 to 30,000+ words in a single day — and the story’s actually good and readable! :-p

But, after working from home as a writer for a long time, I started feeling a little too isolated and alone. Seeing my friends for a couple hours once or twice a week, if that, wasn’t nearly enough. I’m a social person. I’m an introverted extrovert. Or is it extroverted introvert? I’m not sure. I get a lot of energy from connecting and being around other people — at first. But after a while, usually with almost no warning, it suddenly reverses on me, and then I need to be alone again to process and decompress. I need both. And I was getting way too much alone time, and not nearly enough in person, face to face, social connection time.

Solving the Need

So I wanted to be around people more. And as an artist myself, I love being around other creative people. I’ve also never been quite fully satisfied writing just novels. It wasn’t “multimedia enough” for me. Logical conclusion? Why not make movies?!

Transitioning from a writer to a director is pretty natural and common. In fact, I’ve often said directors are just writers with good people skills, or writers who are also natural leaders. Directors guide a team of talented artists, to collaborate and tell a story together. The better the director understands, lives, and breathes “story,” the better their vision and film will be. (This is an over-simplification, of course. There’s a lot more to directing than just that. But–and perhaps I’m biased–having a strong writing foundation, I feel, is very essential to directing well.)

While I was trying to make my own films on a shoestring budget, I also started volunteering on my friends’ films. That was actually how I stumbled into acting. At first, it was just a bit part here or there. Maybe just a small line or some light improv. I enjoyed it, and wanted to try acting more. Then one day, during a 48-hour film contest, I got to play the lead character role. I had only 3 hours of sleep the night before. Was acting on set for about 15 hours straight. And I loved every minute of it, and wanted to keep going!

It wasn’t long after that, I moved to Los Angeles and dove into acting full-time.

That’s the short, simplified, highlighted version of my story — obviously missing many important steps and pieces along the way. But here’s the key: I first got into directing and acting because I was seeking a way to still be a storyteller, that wasn’t so lonely. I wanted to be a storyteller — and do it with other people.

I’d tried co-writing books and screenplays before. Some writer teams do that very well. For me, it didn’t. I learned that for me to write well, I need to be alone and block out everyone and everything else during that time, so I can fully immerse myself and my imagination into that world, and channel the words fast and freely onto the page.

The Problem

But as I slowly began to discover — mostly subconsciously — as fun as acting was, it wasn’t really meeting my need for connection as much as I’d hoped. Sure, when I was on set, there was always somebody to talk to. And when I was actually performing in a scene, there was a lot of emotional connection between me and my scene partners. But the rest of the time — the majority of the time?

Here’s what being an actor is actually like:

Getting the Job (typically: 5-7 days a week)

  • 40% reading job listings/character breakdowns online and submitting to anything/everything you’re remotely a fit for. Basically: sitting in front of your computer, reading and clicking. Hoping for the best. Knowing it’s just a numbers game.
  • 1% auditioning. I did the math once. On average, I had to submit for 50 roles to get 1 audition. Most auditions last a couple minutes. You spend more time sitting in the lobby waiting to be called in, than you actually spend acting in front of a casting director. Except for student films. Then it’s reversed: you spend almost no time waiting, and practically run through the entire script multiple times while the director asks you to try different things. I’m only half kidding. 😉
  • 8% sitting in traffic, on the way to or from your audition. This is Los Angeles. Even if it’s not rush hour, you’re still likely to spend 20-45 minutes each way driving to or from that audition.
  • 1% feeling really excited as you tell all your friends on social media that you booked something!
  • 50% learning your lines, breaking down the scenes, building your character’s back story, figuring out your emotional beats, all the prep work stuff. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a friend who will help run lines with you. But usually, mostly, this is work you do 100% by yourself.

Actually Getting to Act (typically: 1 or 2 days per film)

  • 95% sitting around, waiting to be called to set. You might be tempted to eat some of the free food. You’ll probably (but not always) have other actors-in-waiting to talk with too. Even though you know your lines inside and out by now, you’ll still have your marked up script tucked away in your back pocket, and occasionally pull it out to refresh your memory and make sure you’re not forgetting anything!
  • Your scene is up! They’re ready for you! You’re called to set!
  • 2% blocking and quick rehearsal.
  • 3% acting. Doing your scene. Getting a few takes in.
  • And you’re wrapped! Thanks, great job, now you get to go home and repeat the whole process all over again!

Oh, and…

After the Film is Finished (99% of the time)

  • 99% politely bugging the director to get a copy of the film, or at the very least, your scene.
  • 1% updating your demo reel with this new latest footage. (If it’s a student film, you have a 50% chance of never seeing the finished film. And even if you do, there’s a 50% chance the footage is completely unusable for your reel — oh well, you still had fun, and it’s another credit on your resume, so it’s all good.)

And I say all this playfully, in good spirit. Not complaining at all. But I just want to prove a point: most of acting isn’t “acting,” nor is much of it actually connecting with other people. Ironically, most of your acting work is still done home alone, just like with writing.

Directing Is Even Worse

Not really “worse.” It’s just a catchier headline. 😉 Honestly, directing is a whole different game completely.

  • 90% of your time is either reading script submissions and/or writing (and rewriting) your own scripts.
  • 90% of your time is breaking apart your chosen script line by line, action by action, beat by beat as you plan how you want to shoot this thing.
  • 15% of your time is pulling together your crew.
  • 25% is casting and auditioning. Looking at headshots and resumes. Demo reels. Self-tapes. Actual in-person auditions. Then debating and arguing with yourself — for a long time — about who you’re actually gonna cast. Usually there’s several really good choices. When directors say “it was a really hard decision,” they’re probably telling you the truth.
  • 50% location scouting, wardrobe decisions, and too many other things to list here.
  • 100% not getting any sleep the night before, because you’re so nervous/excited/stressed/overwhelmed.
  • 10% actually being on set, calling “action” and “cut” and “okay, that was great, but let’s try it again.”
  • 110% being in post-production, working with your editor, trying to fix all the mistakes you made on set, or didn’t have time to do correctly on set.
  • 5% submitting your film to expensive film festivals.
  • 1% having a wrap party and patting your entire cast and crew on the back, telling everyone what a great job they did, how lucky you were to get to work with them, etc. Actors especially need this feedback and encouragement. If you’re a good director, you’re reminding your actors how great they’re doing from the first rehearsal, throughout the actual shoot, and even after the film is done and finally screening in front of audiences. Actors are extremely insecure people. It comes with the job. And I say that with 100% love, and as an actor myself. And even though you’re entirely insecure about your film as a director, since you’re the leader, you have to “act” cool and confident the whole time. People are looking to you for direction. You need to make a million tiny decisions throughout every phase of making your film. You may feel like a single bad decision could “ruin” your movie — but you have to make each decision, without knowing how it’ll turn out until it’s already too late.

Welcome to directing! If your film’s a hit, everybody thinks you’re a genius. If your film totally stinks, they all blame you. Truth is, filmmaking really is a team effort. Everybody’s doing their best (hopefully). You may make some good decisions and some bad ones, but hopefully if you hired the right people, they can catch or fix your bad decisions before it actually ruins the film.

But unlike acting, which involves a lot of downtime between scenes for you to eat snacks and socialize with others, you have no downtime as a director on set. Somebody’s always asking you about something. You’re always thinking, planning, adjusting, preparing. Keeping morale up. Watching the clock. Encouraging your actors. Taking advantage of unforeseen opportunities you discover after you arrive on location. Trying your best to remember all the scenes you shot so far, which takes you liked best, and piecing them all together–in proper order–in your mind, constantly checking yourself to make sure the film is coming together as envisioned, so you know how to guide your actors or crew if any adjustments, pick-up shots, or re-writes need to be made as you go.

Granted, everything I shared above about acting or directing is my experience at the low level, low budget stuff. On big film sets… I have less experience. I’m sure some of it’s much the same. Just with more financial pressure and a larger crew standing around watching and waiting. But with a bigger team means delegating more responsibilities too.

But I digress. The point I was going for was that even though you’re around people all day on set, when you’re directing, it’s a) extremely stressful and demanding, and b) there’s not much time to chat and connect; you’re always working.

I still love telling multimedia stories. I’m just saying that if I’m doing it to feel more “connected” with people, it’s not the most effective way to do it.

The Real Solution

I hope you enjoyed my little meandering detour, joking about (with a lot of truth mixed in) what it’s “actually” like to be an actor or director. I had fun reminiscing and writing about it.

My problem was, without consciously realizing it, I was seeking connection through those jobs … and only actually getting that desired connection in limited, irregular doses. It wasn’t my real solution to feeling too isolated or lonely.

I just didn’t realize that was an unconscious motivation the whole time.

Again: it wasn’t my only motivation. I love love love storytelling, and have always wanted my stories to be more “multimedia” somehow. Filmmaking is a natural and logical next step for me. It’s an expansion, a growth for my creativity and expression. It’s another, cooler, bigger, more exciting way to tell stories. I am a storyteller. Even if I could never act again, write another book, or ever direct another film, I’d still find some way to be a storyteller. I’d become a public speaker. Or write for video games. Or something.

But being a storyteller is a self-expression thing. It’s my gift that I want to share with the world.

What I recently realized, though, is that I was trying to use that gift as a way to feel more connected with other people at the same time.

And maybe I don’t need to.

Just like there’s lots of ways to be a storyteller, there’s lots of ways to feel connection too.

Realizing this, I wrote a list.

“Connection” was my true intention, my real goal. So I asked myself, “what makes me feel connected?” I reflected back over my past. Remembered times I felt really connected, at different times and in different ways.

Here’s a few examples I came up with:

  • Nature. Being in nature makes me feel connected. Even if I’m 100% by myself.
  • Meditating. It’s a great self-connection practice. But it also helps me feel more connected with God, too. Sometimes my meditation time naturally turns into prayer time. Sometimes when I’m listening to my heart, God speaks up.
  • Acting. Yes, acting does make me feel connected too. With myself. With my scene partners. With my fans.
  • Writing. It connects me with myself and my characters. There’s a “flow” state I experience that feels awesome. I also feel really emotionally fulfilled after reaching “The End.”
  • Playing social/party games with friends. Strategy games (that involve a lot of heavy thinking/planning and very little relaxed chit-chat with my fellow players), not so much. Feeling connection is less about the “game” we’re playing and more about us laughing and playing it together.
  • Spiritual retreats and workshops. Connects me with my own heart and soul, with other like-minded people, with God, etc. I love going to these things.
  • Road trips. There’s something about adventuring, exploring, the open road, traveling… that somehow makes me feel connected. With myself, with God, with the world somehow… I’m not holed up in some little familiar space; it reminds me I’m part of something much bigger and expansive.

Balance is Easier Now

Now, I can be a storyteller (as a writer, actor, director, or whatever else) when I want to be a storyteller. When I’m feeling creative and have something to create, share, and express. Or, because this is also how I earn my living, when I need to make money too. It’s my job, my career, my gift.

But it’s not my life.

That was something important I had to realize. Something I had to discover.

I’m not “an actor.” But acting is something I sometimes do.

I’m not “a director.” But directing is something I sometimes do.

Who am I?

I’m David. I’m many things. I’m no things. I’m ever-evolving, ever-growing, ever-changing. Morphing, transforming, transmuting and unfolding, discovering and forgetting and re-remembering different parts and expressions of what makes me “me.”

There’s a famous story in the Bible where Moses asks God, “Who are you?” And God simply replied, “I am who I am.” Interesting side fact: the original Hebrew can also be translated as “I will be who I will be.”

I think that’s the best answer any person can say about themselves. “I am who I am. I will be who I will be.”

Why limit yourself with labels?

I’m not my job. Technically, I’m not even a “storyteller” — that’s just a big way I love to express who I am.

I’m a soul. A light. A voice. A heart. A mind. A body.

But even those things aren’t really, or only, “me.”

I was putting tremendous pressure on myself to “succeed as an actor.” I was also constantly pressuring myself to “direct more films,” and get really good at that.

But I only initially got into directing or acting because I was lonely.

And as I covered above, even when I am acting or directing, it only partly satiates the need for connection.

What’s Next

Fortunately, I do enjoy all forms of multimedia storytelling. I have nothing against acting or directing, or any other form of storytelling. But the good news is, now I don’t have to write, act, or direct in order to feel connection. I can do those things to feel creative, self-expressed, and/or well-paid. They can be my job, but no longer my self-identity.

Fortunately, I have control over feeling connection. I can go into nature, take a road trip, or lay in bed meditating almost anytime I want. None of those things require anyone else. Most forms of connection don’t even cost any money. Sure, doing stuff with other people is the best form of connection. But I can’t control other people. I can’t guarantee they’ll be available, local, or want to do the same things. Connection is a fundamental, essential human NEED. Like oxygen, food, or water. We need to feel connection to survive and thrive.

I don’t like depending on things I have no control over, for my very survival.

It’s one reason (among others) I became an entrepreneur and investor. I don’t like depending on the whims of my boss or the good management of my CEO, to determine if I have an income or not. People think investing or running your own business is “risky,” but personally, I feel it’s riskier not to. At least I have some control over my own fate. Business getting slow? I can do something about that. Investment not paying off? I can change to another one. But when you have one job at someone else’s company — you’re very limited in what choices you have, or what influence or impact you can make on that company’s bottom line.

But I digress, again.

My point is, spending time in person with other people is great and ideal. But it’s not the only way to feel connection.

I realized I can feel connection, even if I’m completely by myself.

And since “connection” was my true goal and motivation — now I can address that need more directly.

I don’t have to feel discouraged, depressed, frustrated, or exhausted if I don’t book any acting work or don’t direct any new films for a while. They’re not how I’m meeting this need anymore.

Which puts me in an interesting place.

I’m Free

All this has led me to a significant realization:

I don’t have to be an actor, director, or anything else anymore.

can be. I probably still will be, because it’s work I enjoy and it’s a great and natural expression of who I am.

But I don’t “have” to, to meet a fundamental human need, anymore.

Which means I’m free.

Which means I can rest, and relax, and take a breath.

Which means it’s 100% okay if I don’t book a part. Acting can be fun again, and not some unconscious desperate attempt to breathe.

That’s what meditation has provided me, among other things.

Self-connection. But more importantly, freedom.

Freedom from the enslavement of my own unconscious thoughts. I didn’t realize what was driving and pushing me so hard, for so long… until recently.

Now I can let go.

Now I can relax.

Now I still get connection, whether or not I’m acting or anything else.

That’s huge.

Enormous.

Life-changing.

And Now There’s a Pause

My life was thrown wildly out of balance before. I was all-consumed with focus on acting. It was who I was, not just “what I did.” So many other parts of myself were pushed to the side, displaced by this new focus and identity that was driving every decision and activity in my life.

It was unhealthy. Out of balance. And incomplete.

I’m more than just an actor. Acting is something I do; not who I am.

That’s a very important distinction I need to make for myself.

I got lost in it for a while.

Now I’m stepping back and getting re-oriented.

Who I am?

What do I want to do — now that I don’t have to do certain things?

Other things are emerging. Bubbling up from deep below the surface.

Growing and swelling up inside my heart.

I know I’m a writer — or rather, someone who does writing. I’m also really good at investing, and quite enjoy it a lot (whether I turn a profit or not; the game itself is what’s fun for me, but making money is a sweet, sweet awesome bonus)!

But if I cease doing alllll these things, temporarily or permanently… I am still who I am.

For some reason, that takes so much stress and pressure off of me.

And I need that very much.

Something Unseen

At the very beginning of this post, I said I felt something trying to emerge from my heart. A message, an idea, an inspiration, a direction — something. I couldn’t quite define it. Can’t quite put words around it.

I still can’t.

But I’ll tell you this — my process of letting go, of re-connecting to my whole life (not just acting/directing), of realizing what I really needed was connection, and there’s many ways I can get that, with or without other people around — it’s all opening up something.

It’s making space for something.

I’m not sure what.

I feel like… I feel like some other (possibly new) part of me is trying to rise up and be expressed. Some new part of me is waiting to be discovered, or released, or something

It didn’t have the room or opportunity to before, because my whole life was consumed around an over-focus, constant-hustle, overriding-drive about trying to “make it” as an actor.

“Acting” was never my life-long dream. Growing up, I flirted with it from time to time. School and church plays. The infrequent student film here or there. It was an interest, and something fun — but not a “God, I hope and wish and pray and dream that this is my life when I grow up.” Writing was more like that. “Making movies” was close to that.

“Acting” was my vehicle for feeling connection, I realized, that was also closely related to my Big Dreams.

…wait, what am I saying?

Is This What My Heart Is Leading Me To?

I’m genuinely asking. I don’t know. I’m figuring this out as I type it. lol.

Acting is fun. I really enjoyed it.

I think… it’d still be fun to do, occasionally, here and there, on the side. Like, have a small cameo role in my own films. Guest appearances in some of my friends’ films. Maybe do the odd film or TV show here and there too… But… my main focus? My main career?

I want to step back. Step down. Minimize the percentage of my time and energy and focus that having an acting career requires.

…There’s a bigger, truer part of me that wasn’t to emerge in its place, instead.

But what?

I feel like, whatever it is, I haven’t fully tapped into it yet.

Touched on it, maybe, probably.

Fully expressed, released, realized it yet? Doesn’t feel like it. Not really. Or maybe not in a long, very long time…

Process of elimination:

  • I know it’s not writing, because I’m still actively doing and expressing that.
  • I don’t feel like it’s anything I’ve done in any big, significant, substantial way — at least in a very long time, if much at all.
  • I don’t feel like it’s any particular job or part of filmmaking, however, I wouldn’t be surprised if those skills don’t come into play and are used to enhance and/or as part of this new “thing”/self-expression.

Is it spirituality? Being more of a speaker, teacher, workshop leader, podcaster, blogger, energy healer, something/anything related to that?

Maybe. Seems obvious. Spirituality has always been a very big, and very natural, part of my life too. A big part of who I am.

know I want and should express that part of me more.

And I’m probably getting warmer/closer… but it’s still not “clicking” for me. I haven’t felt that “ah-hah, that’s it!” yet. Not even close. Although I might be getting closer.

I realize, I may not “know” or “find it” yet. It’s now 4:03 AM. It’s so nice to have a little laptop to be able to write in bed. At least my body’s (mostly) resting.

I still can’t sleep.

Still feeling… bothered… by this “thing” that’s trying to connect to my awareness.

Okay, David. Let go. Stop trying so hard…

Relax. Just Breathe.

Just feel.

Feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s okay. No judgment. And you don’t have to make any decisions or commitments right now. It’s safe to feel and express whatever you’re feeling. We just want awareness right now. Nothing has to change, go away, or be added in my life from this, unless I want it to.

Breathe.

Time travel?

hahaha. Yup, that’s a (fun and) big part of me too. I love being a little silly too.

Nature.

I feel a calling to be in/around more Nature.

Lots more nature.

I’m craving it.

I hate living in the City.

I would Love to be Surrounded by Nature. ♥♥♥

Do I need a vacation? A break? A retreat into nature? Is that what my heart’s trying to tell me?

I’ve been visiting local (city-adjacent) nature as much as possible lately. It is recharging, renewing, reconnecting…

But it’s limited, and at this point fairly familiar, and still (feels like) too close to the noise, stress, chaos, and pollution of a Big City.

I feel there’s a purpose and valid reason to live in Los Angeles.

But maybe I need a break… a little retreat, far away from the City, for a while.

I’m not sure how long.

A weekend feels too short.

It’s not enough.

A week? Camping out in nature? And/or driving to natural, open space areas?

I can’t afford to stay in hotels. (That didn’t take long for the practical side of my brain to kick in.) But that’s okay. I don’t want to stay in hotels. I want to be in nature.

Meditate there. Rest there. Write there. Relax there. Play there. Reconnect there. Discover there.

I feel like I need time away from “it all” (and everything familiar) to simultaneously clear my head and open my heart and mind… to whatever’s “just below the surface” in my heart, trying to emerge, trying to be expressed and realized and discovered.

Hmm.

The good news: I still want to write, and I can bring my laptop and do that from the road and while being out in nature. A quick visit to a Starbucks, local library, or using my cell phone hotspot will allow me to upload my work and continue earning money, from the road.

I can tell my agent I’ll be out of town for… a couple weeks? *shrugs* I have no idea how long.

That’s exciting, a little. 🙂

Uh oh. My body’s feeling more energized and excited.

I think I’m onto something here.

I think I want to get away, go into nature, and meditate, reflect, connect, and write from there, for an unknown (but probably short, probably less than 2 weeks) period of time.

I can’t put a time limit on it, though.

You can’t rush your own realizations. You can’t put eurekas on a schedule.

If this is about me connecting deeper, searching, reflecting, discovering… all I can do is create the space and opportunity for it to happen. Be present and listening. Be open.

It’ll happen when and where it’s gonna happen, on its own.

I feel I need to do this.

And I can do this, because thank God, I’m an entrepreneur and I built a business I can do remotely.

I love living in the 21st Century! 🙂

I have a tent. And I can sleep in my car. I’ve done it before. And it’s April now. The weather’s warming up. Not too hot yet, either. Actually, now’s probably the perfect time to do something like this…

Oh God, now I’m feeling nervous. This is starting to feel real.

I need a break. Not just from an over-hyper focus and restless hustle of being an actor. I need a break from the City. From this apartment. From all the normal little daily things I see, hear, and do. For a short while. Who knows, maybe one day is all I’ll need. Or maybe just a few. Maybe more.

I don’t imagine, nor sense, it’ll be that long. We’re not talking months here, although now that I think about it, some of the entrepreneurs and spiritual thought leaders that I admire have done long meditation retreats like that before. Who knows. I’m not ruling it out. It’s just, right now, it doesn’t feel like I’ll be gone that long. Maybe a couple weeks. Probably less than that, it feels.

What I need is time, distance, and quiet.

Isolation, in my home of nature. Where connection happens automatically.

….

Okay, I said I wasn’t going to make any decisions right now. But my heart’s not “nagging” me so hard anymore. I feel… slightly unsettled? Uneasy? Nervous/scared? Excited? Hard to put a name on what I’m feeling right now. It’s different. Something broke through. My heart connected with my brain. A message got through.

I’ll think about it. Let is sit for a minute. Sleep on it. I don’t have to make any decisions or take any actions right now. But maybe… if I am going to do something like this… now’s a great time of year to do it.

I need to get away.

I need to reconnect.

I’ve been doing as much “reconnection” I can at home. Visiting local, familiar nature. Meditating for an hour every morning. Reaching out to friends more, and talking about stuff other than work. 😉 Even writing in this blog is an act of self-connection.

And I feel that’s all great, and definitely has all been helpful and serving me. I can feel it too. I’ve noticed in recent weeks how my mood’s been naturally lighter, happier, more easy going. I laugh at jokes on TV more easily and often. My mind, body, and heart have all been improving a lot and feeling much, much better since I stopped, began resting, and started getting my life back into a healthy, long-term sustainable balance.

Is this my next step?

A multi-day, overnight, continuous nature retreat — while still doing some writing work, remotely?

Yes.

Who wrote that? Where did that “yes” just come from now? I didn’t write that. I’m too scared to write that. lol. :-p

I must’ve written it. Because there it is.

Haunting me. Taunting me. “Yes, David, come to Nature…”

Shit.

We’ll see. Now’s not exactly the ideal time to be taking a hiatus from LA. I recently got a new agent. He’s doing awesome — I’m getting lots of auditions through him. Money is tight. Even if it’s just background work (being an “extra”), I still should be doing it.

Unless… there’s something bigger waiting.

Something stronger, better, wiser.

More profitable.

Sometimes, you have to slow down and take a step back, before jumping ahead.

Sometimes you have to do that, to see/discover something better to jump ahead to.

Better for you. Better for this place and time in your life. Better… for your soul.

I don’t know what awaits.

I just know that, psychologically, I’m feeling “trapped” (constantly reminded and reinforced) by these familiar, entrenched, career-specific surroundings.

Nature has the answer. Nature is my connection. I can’t explain it — I just sense I’ll discover, realize, and/or being strongly, clearly “reinforced” in something in my true nature, if I let myself settle and retreat and get lost in nature for a little while…

It’s now 4:39 AM. I feel like I’m ready for bed. Ready to go to sleep now.

Good night. Sweet dreams, my friends.

 

P.S.: How’s this for funny irony? As I was just about to hit “publish,” I noticed the title of this blog (that I wrote before I even started it or knew where this was all going), is called “Deeper Into the Wilderness.” LOL. Yeah, I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Hahahaha. … Yeah……

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